However did you come to be here?

Monday, December 31, 2012


My holidays were crap. I made a lot of bad eating choices. I have been back on track for a few days but I am still having crazy cravings. Agh, now is a time for sugar free candy, but I don't have any. I'm afraid that I might give in to all the sweets in my house. I can't. I have goals.

I want to lose at least 50lbs before June. I want to be 100lbs lighter for the summer. It would be pretty amazing.. I'd only be 50lbs from my goal then. Such a silly thing to be excited for, only being 50lbs overweight!

I just can't imagine ever being less than 200lbs. I hope I can actually get there. I have to stay motivates! I have started a daily exercise regime- it's nothing that strenuous right now, but it does give me a work out and it's something to help keep me motivated again.

Anyways, my next weigh in isn't until January 8th (I think) wish me luck, hope I didn't gain..

Friday, December 21, 2012


Wow, I didn't realise how hard the holidays were really going to be! My mom is the biggest enabler in the world LOL! Even my DP is like "IT'S CHRISTMAS! ENJOY IT!!" It is Christmas. I have done a lot of nice things, and I will continue to do so. I want to do more random acts of kindness with my girls, it might become a Christmas tradition :)

I am always trying to be nice to people, it really shocks me how rude people really are.. Especially around this time of year.. I don't get it.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012


Sorry for no updates, I have been super busy! My mom is visiting from Quebec for Christmas. It's awesome that she's here!

I am losing some motivation for my serious black and white view of this diet. I have messed up a lot the last week. I don't see my doctor again until the 8th. I am in a frame of mind right now where my only goal for the rest of this month is to not gain. I could care less about losing.. I just feel so blah! Christmas is about food and family. I just put so much damn emotion into my cooking to be able to just ... Not do it anymore. I am baking and cooking just the same as I always have. A lot of people would say it's bad, or that I don't understand the diet. I sure do, I sure understand it. But life is short, and I want to be happy. I find happiness in cooking for my family and friends.. Healthy food, or not. I could do a healthy Christmas meal, but, would anyone really want it? Would my family want to drive two hours to have rabbit food? I wouldn't.

I have a hard time with the idea of being low carb for the rest of my life. In my head I will be low carb until I reach my goal. Then I will test to find a life style that suits me better. Maybe I will do weight watchers, or count calories for maintenance. I just ... Don't know. I can tell you I won't eat carbs the way I did. Though.

I am feeling sad. I hope I can figure this out. I hope I am not setting my kids up to face such horrible weight problems. I am sitting with my daughter, as she's eating a peanut butter sandwich (that she asked for) and I feel guilty for it. I feel like I shouldn't give it to her, like by feeding her carbs I am messing her up for life. Uhhghg! Such a horrible frame of mind. I dislike this.

Anyways, I am going to celebrate the way I want, I am going to be happy, and have the food that makes me feel happy and loved. Not everyday, just one one special day. If I misstep, it happens. I have my tools, as soon as these holidays pass, the temptation will be gone. It will be back to normal, be back to not being strapped for cash, and just trying to get by without buying extra.

Lately I have found that I would rather not eat, then eat something healthy. Does that even make sense? I am not hungry. I had an egg and spinach for breakfast, and a coffee. I should be hungry. I'm not. Ugh!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Day after weigh in!

I am down another 7lbs, putting my total weightloss to 49lbs..

I am very happy, but can't figure out what my overall goal weight should be. All the paperwork says 160lbs or so for my height. I don't think that's really feasible with how much skin I will have left.. I am already looking pretty droopy. I am really hoping that in the next four months I can lose 35-40lbs.. I don't know if that's a realistic goal, or not! I really really hope so.. That will put me around 235 (depending on what I actually lose) and I want to start running hopefully at 230lbs!! I have a slightly bad knee, and with the winter deep freeze setting in, it's just not something I can do at this weight and in the winter. I would love to get a treadmill, just so I can get some walking in until then.. Maybe I will be able to pull some funds together to get one for myself.. :s

Anyways, I am still chipping away at this weight! Hopefully doing some good. :)

Monday, November 26, 2012

Lazy Parmesan chicken breast

Okay! Another quick recipe! This one is great cause there is really hardly any effort but it tastes fabulous!

Two to Three chicken breasts
1 tbsp of olive oil low fat mayonnaise
2tbsp of Parmesan cheese
1tsp of olive oil
pepper to taste
Optional - garlic, chili flakes, or lemon

Mix mayo with Parmesan, and oil.. Season chicken breasts, place them onto a greased pan, spread the paste of cheese on top, then bake at 400 until the top is crispy and golden brown (about 30 minutes, but it really depends on the thickness of your chicken). You could sub the mayo for Caesar dressing, sour cream, cream cheese, or even Greek yoghurt!

Happy eating :)

Btw, the picture has roasted carrots, and roasted potatoes; this was a photo of my kids' dinner.. I don't eat root vegetables :) but roasted carrots are amazing 400 for 40 minutes (or until they are brown around the edges) just toss em in olive oil, salt and pepper. Potatoes were prepared the same way, with a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese instead of salt.

Sweet chipotle beef recipe

Well, I have a recipe! This was thrown together at the last minute, but was absolutely fabulous!

Sweet Chipotle Beef
(Seared beef, on top of spinach, and green onion in a sweet chipotle sauce)
Serves 1
6 pieces of stewing beef (I believe it was from a eye of the round roast- since I eat my beef rare, it did not get tough, if you like it well done, use a more tender cut of beef, or actually stew the beef.. I'd recommend in beef broth with a chipotle pepper)
3 cups of spinach
1 green onion
1/2 of a chipotle pepper (in adobo)
1 tsp of olive oil
1 tsp of red chilli powder
1 packet of Splenda (or whatever sweetner you choose)
And a splash of water (beef broth would be better; I just had none!)
Half salt and pepper to taste

(For rare/med rare beef) heat oil in pan on high, brown beef on all sides, remove from pan, lower heat, put spinach chipotle, splenda and spices into pan, add a splash of water.. Cook until spinach is tender, put meat back into the pan and toss.

If you are going to stew it for well done beef, just cover the beef in low sodium broth, maybe toss in half a chipotle if you want some extra spicy, bring to a boil, then drop to low heat and simmer for an hour or maybe longer depending on the cut of beef.. Then do the same thing with the already stewed beef!

Would be great served on cauliflower rice (blitzed cauliflower, then steamed) or regular rice if you're not low carb!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Weigh in day is nigh!!

Well, it's nearing that time again. Weigh in day is nigh!! I really hope I did we'll these past two weeks, I had one bad day.. Where I ate a donut, and some fruit. Hopefully my strictness every other day has made up for it!

I am coming to terms with the holiday season. It is going to be hard not to enjoy the chocolates, the cheese and the root veggies. I know I will have screw ups, but I am not going to give up, I owe this to myself and my kids. The baking will be the hardest, since I usually bake for my friends an family.. I want Christmas to be special for my kids, I am not going to change the tradition of baking together, I just won't. It's something I find important, instead I will just make smaller batches and give most away!

I want to be able to start running in the spring, so I have to keep on it, my legs would probably explode if I started running now at 279lbs. We will see :)

I am never getting fat again.

Recipe for "Egg bites"

4 whole eggs, plus two whites
1 green onion, chopped
1/2 a green pepper, chopped
1 1/2 cups spinach, chopped
1/2 cup water
1 tbsp cream (or milk)
3 slices of cheddar cut in half (or crumbled, like I did)
Half salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 Fahrenheit, oil muffin pan with olive oil, or spray. Chop veggies and sautee them in a pan (this cuts down on sogginess in the finished product), crack eggs and egg whites into a bowl, add vegetable mixture (add seasoning here), mix well then ladle into greased muffin tin. Place one half of each slice of cheese onto the top of each egg cupcake, bake for about 20-25 minutes. Enjoy!

This recipe made 6 egg bites.

You can add anything to this recipe (meat or veggie wise) and it would be amazing if you mixed in a cup of bisquick or carbquik.

I did this nutrition fact with my fitness pal, so I can't guarantee it's accuracy, but it looks close enough for my happiness, obviously serving size is one egg bite.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Weigh in..

Well, I should have known. That -11lbs I lost last weight in was too much for me to replicate. With all the hardships I went through, I'm happy to report that I did not gain, but only lost .5 lbs.. So, a half a pound. I am sad to say, but .. A loss is a loss, and is better than a gain. Everyone has a hard time once in a while. I ate pizza in depression, but now am back on track. I have decided I won't be buying much"processed" foods anymore, I eat too many of the sugar free chocolates, I know they are not "free" and I think it's just better if I don't buy them anymore. As much as I love them, they also make me extremely sick.. But that's thanks to the effects of malitol.

Anyways, I have been down in the dumps, and very weak. I have been keeping a food journal, and I swear it's just making me worse. I don't know. I hope my next weigh in is better! I will enjoy my hard candies though, I don't want to binge on those, and they satisfy my sweet tooth. It's all about finding balance, I suppose. I am trying to figure this out, but I know this will always be a life long struggle. I am glad I haven't felt like I can't do this, times get tough, and everyone messes up. Get back up, and keep going at it.

Cheating implies that you get away with it. I don't get away when I eat bad food, I just cheat myself out of success! I can do this.. I will. I will be happy, and I will be healthy... For my kids, and for myself.

Friday, November 9, 2012


I have been truckin' on.. This lifestyle is interesting, it's so simple. I am starting to embrace the more simple things.. My house needs to become simplified. I used to think I liked knick knacks and trinkets, now I think I am over run by junk!! I want to trash it all!! DP probably does not share my views, but wow! I just want to throw everything out! I want a new start to my new life, these objects are burdens just like this extra 100lbs encased around me. I wish to shed myself of both!

But when? When so I have time for me? Let alone for a massive undergoing such as a giant purge. I need to set a date, give the kids to MIL and just do it. Sigh, I don't know!

I wish I had someone to help me! I am not organized but I want to remove as much as I can so I don't need that much organization skill haha!

The 6th was my birthday, it was a bit of a bad day, My sister came up from Brampton to spend some time with me.. She bought me lunch.. So I had a bad day. I'm hoping I am back in ketosis now, though, I have been super strict, and will be until my weigh in. I hope the few bad days I had didn't ruin these two weeks. But, as I've said before my "bad days" now are way better than the "good days" I had before!!

Right now I am snuggled up on the couch with my two year old.. We are sharing three blankets, as she watches her favourite show. I am so happy right now.

Now, should I get up from this lovely warm spot with her, and clean? I should, but spending time with her one on one seems more important. Ahh.. Maybe when they go to bed tonight!!


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Ahh Halloween.

Halloween: my favourite holiday. I love horror, and all that fun cheese.

This year I was able to live it through my children, which was fabulous. My 2 year old didn't care about the rain, and wind.. So in turn, neither did I. We started at 6:30, and didn't get in till 9:30 .. Both my kids were happy as clams. We sorted candy, and I was not tempted. After the whole shebang, we still had to go grocery shopping.. I stuffed some candies in my pockets for the girls 'cause they hadn't had dinner yet, we were Going to take them to McDonald's in the Walmart. Well, they were closed.. We got our shopping done, and hit McDonald's on the way home. I had a left over salad, and half a steak in the fridge, so I had that.

Yesterday, the chocolate in the cupboard got to me.. DP bought a bunch on sale for himself. Knowing it wasn't the girls candy made it ... Accessible to me. I never am tempted by their treats, cause they are for the kids. Ugh. So I for sure knocked myself out of ketosis.. I am not proud, in fact am ashamed. It is I hard to just say no. It's ridiculous how weak it makes me feel to think I can't even ignore a damn mini chocolate bar. My willpower is strong, but .. The kids screaming, and not listening stresses me out.. I never learned how to cope with stressful situations. My way of coping was to eat, or do something horrible to myself. Both very unhealthy, yet both still ingrained into my being

This diet is not only about food, it is about coming face to face with the reasons behind why I eat. Did my parents teach me this? Did they not hug me enough, is it just my nature? Am I doomed to be unhealthy my entire life? And will I ever be able to over come this. I want to replace my stress eating with stress exercising. I think that is at least productive. I think I need to seek some guidance, I need to learn some we coping skills.

Ugh I don't know!

I have started using my fitness pal, and now that I am tracking my calories, ontop of carbs.. I never hit my daily recommended intake. Is this a bad thing? Even the day where I ate the chocolate, I was still 500 calories under the recommended minimum for my body.. Just something interesting to think about.

I will be asking my doctor when I see her next about all of this. And the dizziness has returned.

Alright, good luck!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Yesterday's adventure

Well! Yesterday, I had my weigh in. -11lbs!! I am soo proud of myself, my fiancé took me out for an early birthday dinner which was fabulous.. I cheated a little, but had a a french onions soup, steak.. I had a slice of a butternut squash, half of a slice of cheesecake. (my daughter ate more than me) and a Cobb salad! Okay, I messed up, but truthfully, I usually give myself a great once a week. I am a firm believer that a diet can't be successful if you are unhappy with it. Because I let myself slip up on occasion, it's more doable for me. I didn't eat even half of my food!! I brought half my steak, and salad home, (I let my daughters eat the bad thing leftovers LOL they had their own food too don't think I'm that cheap) and didn't even touch the potatoes on my plate!

I am proud of myself, especially because I didn't have a perfect time.. But that's still awesome! I am going to look into the raspberry ketone supplement you can get (and yes, I will make sure I am happy with the ingredients.

I have stopped relying on the protein powder for breakfast, doesn't seem to work for me! Now I know :)

Anyways, that puts my total loss up to 41lbs!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Weigh in day!

Well, I'm only down another 3lbs! Which brings my total weightloss down to 30.5lbs!

I am a little upset but happy that it was a loss, and not a gain! The next two weeks I really need to shape up! I don't need bad habits! I had a salad at McDonald's today.. It was that, or don't eat.
My mommy is down visiting from Quebec for the week, which will be nice for the times when I would be alone and dying for a treat! She will be there to be extra accountable to. I had a bad week. I need to be extra strict!! I can continue, and I will lose more! I still haven't gotten my hair cut, but when I hit 50lbs down, I am getting a new purse!! Haha!

Friday, October 12, 2012


Thanksgiving was horrible for me. I was doing good... Until I made some sweet potatoes for my DP! Then the next day i made an apple crisp... So I messed up. I'm back on track, and that's what matters, I suppose!

I have been really busy, my kids have both decided to become little bundles of complete terror!!! Last night I almost gave in to a glass of wine due to them making me cry a few times throughout the day..
I made a bunch of breakfasts up for the week(think crustless quiche) I have been anti mornings my whole life, so having babies and having to make two different breakfasts in the am is not something I enjoy doing.

The wonderful thing about this diet is you can eat! You'd be surprised though at how little I snack now that it has to be a healthy snack! Though... I'd eat a piece of that apple crisp for a snack right now LOL.

I am going to a baby shower on Sunday.. Going to try very hard to stay on plan.. At worst maybe a little phase two.. My doctor said I'm almost there, which is alright! I don't think I'll fully switch to phase 2 though, maybe every few days!

I am a bit afraid of my weigh in next though.. Ahh weigh ins are always scary!

Friday, October 5, 2012


I had a weigh in on the 2nd of October. I also got a new phone on the same day!
It wasn't a great day for me.. I lost 5lbs fat, but gained 2lbs water.. So the scale only moved 3lbs. I was told not to worry so much as losing weight is not the important part; it's losing fat! Well, that's 5lbs that will never come back!!

I had a bad day after that weigh in.. The phone I wanted was no longer a promotional 0 dollars with a contract.. So I got an iPhone 4s instead! I'm. Or an apple fan.. But here I am! I was feeling sorry for myself and DP took me out for chicken wings... I didn't eat like 10lbs or anything. But had like.. A pound. Ugh! And a little cheesecake at some function we went to at the car dealership.

I went back to strict phase 1 again! :) I hope I can pass the 30lbs lost mark next weigh in.

Weight loss so far 27lbs!

I still need to get my hair cut for passing 25lbs!!

Friday, September 28, 2012

I survived.

I survived the month at my MIL's house. It was very hard, but now I am home. While being home sounds great, and all.. I am so busy. I have so much work to do, and two children who stop at nothing to make sure it doesn't get done. Or, like yesterday, I epoxied, moved hardware, hung, and leveled my kitchen cupboards.. When I was finished I turned around and it was 8 o clock, and the kids had completely TRASHED my house. They went to bed half an hour late (needed baths) and it took me 'til midnight to clean up their mess.. Then I went to bed, and was awake until 4am. I got up at 8:30am this morning. This not sleeping thing is getting me, too.

I keep forgetting/skipping meals, it's really not on purpose.. It's just been hectic! The kitchen is almost put back together, with the exception of my table/chairs.. Which I can't wait for, 'cause sitting on the floor/standing at the counter to eat really isn't nice. There's still trimming, and other finishing work that needs done. I need to rig up a cupboard door, and invent three more.. In time, right? :)

My next weigh in is on Tuesday, October the second... Ahh. That's only a few days, I hate the few days before the weigh ins, they are always so stressful for me. I know I have been good, since being home though! I did have a few drinks the other night (vodka, and lemon lime mix sweetened with splenda).. I know you're not supposed to drink on this diet, but I kept it as Poon friendly as I could.. I've had a rough month, I needed an unwind. I had a great time, and helped DP shampoo our "new" used couches.. I also cut a rug and danced like a mad woman. I love dancing.. I may or may not have done the "gangnam style" dance.. LOL. I'm just worried that I sabotaged myself by skipping dinner and breakfast (replacing them with protein shakes, at least),  I hope that doesn't affect my weight loss. If I lose less than 6lbs I will be sad!!

My starting weight was 321.5lbs, I was 24.5lbs lighter at my last weigh in. I miscalculated before!!! I'm an idiot, haha!

I'm enjoying a coffee while my children pull out all my pots and pans and make a mess, and you know what? It's amazing.

Positive thoughts are key, wish me weight loss luck for Tuesday!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

little victories

So, I had my third weigh in on the 17th of September.

I have lost another 6lbs, -19lbs in total so far.

I am still at my mother in law's house, it is so hard to be here! I am a total crab!! My children have become complete monsters.. Like I just got kicked and slapped (and am now telling my 2 year old to get off the table for the 20th time in the last hour) ...So, now she's in time-out. Personally, I don't care if she is on the table. This is not my house, these are not my rules. Everyone here seems to forget that my children are very young. Yesterday Ivy got into some eggs that were left on the edge of the counter. She is always getting yelled at by her grandparents because they leave things out. Ivy has destroyed so many nasty cigarettes while here, maybe if people would put them UP that wouldn't happen. Then grandma has to drop a "if you do it again, I'm going to make you eat them" now Ivy thinks they are to eat. Seriously.

Anyways, negativity sucks. I am trying to be more positive in everything. Very trying when you are not in your comfort zone. Oh, and are told you are an inadequate parent almost everyday.. BUT really.. What can I do? I get to go home tomorrow. Do you know how EXCITED I AM?! I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, and have my own things, and my own couch, and my own MESS. Since I've been here, I'm the only one who changes the toilet paper roll! I'm the only one whose swept the floor, or cleaned anything.. LOL.. I've been here a month! But my cleaning at my house has been scrutinized.. I'm the one with the two small children here!!

Now, all that crap aside.. I am happy. My kids are screaming, and I've had a headache for a month (not even being dramatic here.. I have sleep apnea, and I think when it acts up my head hurts) I am not currently using a CPAP.. with my weight loss, my doctor seems to think it will go away! :)

Everyday is built up on small victories. Every time I decide NOT to eat a bite of the bread I'm cutting for my kids, is a victory. Every piece of pie, and every spoonful of sugar I don't put in my coffee is a victory. Everyday that I eat well makes it easier to keep eating well. It's not worth it to break my 'chain' of good eating, and good choices. In the beginning it is hell, "Oh who cares, it's only been two days" That's how I was thinking in the beginning of this adventure.. I don't think like that anymore. Last night I was "bad" I had a little tiny spoon of gravy, and fully intended on eating a slice of pie with everyone else. It s my absolute favourite... Strawberry Rhubarb.. When it came time, and I cut a piece for my kids... I had none. I sat and watched my inlaws, kids, and Jay eat pie.. I drank water, and proclaimed my want for pie. I also said "But it's not worth cheating for." I am only cheating myself, and when I cheat myself, I cheat my babies. It's a pretty good motivator.

Alright, so I've lost almost 20lbs, I still have at least 100lbs to go. It will be a long journey, and there will be times where I just want to give up. I have to stay positive. Attitude is everything! Right?

Good luck.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Been MIA lately..

I have been SO AWOL, I am sorry. Living at my inlaw's has been trying to say the least, I have had a lot of bad days where I ate some crap. It's just so hard, and I get soo stressed out. DP is now working, which means I am home alone here all day with these people, which makes it even harder. I have no car, and it just.. sucks! There are not even any local parks I could escape with my kids to.. I have a weigh in on Monday, and I'm terrified. I know I haven't done good these last two weeks, and I feel like crap.

Had some more issues up at my house, someone tossed brand new roofing nails all over my driveway.. MIL filed a police report (this is not the first time nails have been tossed in my driveway) and I think I am not getting my mail now.. Seems like someone is TAKING IT. UGH. I hope not.

I can't wait to get home, and start putting my life back together, 'cause I'm seriously living second to second and just.. am EXISTING instead of living, I hate it. I wake up every day counting down the minutes until bed time, then I go lay in MIL's bed room until 2-3am, DP comes home at 4am, and wakes me up to talk to me.. Then I have to get back up at 8-9 am. The days are long, the nights are long, and I am sinking into depression. My FIL is a dumbass, he is just.. UGH! I don't like him. I get along with MIL pretty well, but I don't think she really likes my parenting style, but that's fine by me. Both her kids didn't turn out great, so LOL at least I'm doing something different! HAHA..

Now for a giant "I LOVE CARBQUIK" advert, with crappy cellphone photos!

Well! I got my first box of carbquik... The first thing I did upon coming "home" (and I use that term lightly as I am still at my in-law's house) was make some BISCUITS! They were buttery and delicious.. I put in two tbsp of butter, which is a no no on this diet (it is supposed to be low fat..) but .... I just wanted to make it "less bad" and MORE GOOD. Each biscuit had like 1.5 net carb per serving. OMG FABULOUS. Carbquik is a 'carbulose flour' I have found many awesome uses for, but... Can't fully explore until I get home.

 My first carbquik pancake,  (1/3 cup carbquik, one egg white, splash of cream, and water) it was the best pancake I've ever had! I picked up some Waldenfarms pancake syrup-- it's terrible!! Tastes like chemical crap.. I won't buy it again.

NOW! This was a delicious thing of beauty... My first attempt at a crustless quiche.. It was 2egg whites, one whole egg, 1/3 cup of carbquik, a bunch of spinach, some sliced up pork loin, a bit of cheese.. cream, water.. bake for 30 minutes...   Omg, my recipes suck LOL BUT! They taste amazing. This was like... the best thing I've eaten since being on this diet.

I am tired of rubbery egg whites. I just... would be happy if I never had to eat one plain again.. I found a solution. I'm going to call these "fluffy eggs"... Because the carbquik has leavening in it, I put a tbsp in my regular egg white omelette, BAM! Puffed up into this lovely fluffy thing. I filled it with a pan full of spinach, green onion, green pepper and some UNALLOWED red pepper. MIL picked up red peppers for me not knowing I couldn't have them, so I am eating them because I hate wasting food, and because I don't want her to feel bad!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Weigh in day!


Total loss to date: 13lbs!

Not bad for having a bad week! I'm still at MIL's.. Which has been so hard! I am trying so so hard to stay on track. I have messed up a little almost everyday in the past week. :(

Today I picked up some carbquik, sugar free pancake syrup, pork rinds, and some carbrite(? I think) bars! I only got 3 bars, I got them for those horrible temptation moments, like when I'm giving my kids a slice of cake!! I made some biscuits with the carbquik, I made a batch of 12! That's enough for the week. They are really delicious! I need to pick up some protein powder.. But I'm going to get that at costco later on this week!

I need to exercise more, I think my results would be even better! I have blisters on my blisters from walking.. I need to do more resistance training. Anyways, I must go! I'm alone with two babies at MIL's! They are trying to destroyyyy! Haha :)
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Friday, August 31, 2012


Well, things progressed very fast at home when I came to renovations.. I am currently staying at Jay's mom's house. It's very hard to stick to the Poon lifestyle here! Breakfast and Lunch are easy enough.. Dinner is the hard one! She cooks dinner.. So she has been really really trying to keep things "safe" for me, but I know it's not really.. I don't want to be mean and tell her otherwise. I just put the meat she makes on a giant pile of lettuce or spinach. I'm having a very hard time resisting snacks, though.. Yesterday I had some popcorn.. The other night I had nachos (I went to the movies for the first time in three years..) ... I have not had anything bad today!! I am just screwing myself.

Cheating implies I am getting away with it, I am most certainly not! Even if no one else knows, it's only hurting me!!!

Staying here is soo stressful. I must keep busy and stop eating badly.

Today's breakfast was an egg and spinach with hotsauce. Lunch was three lettuce wraps with mustard, hotsauce, left over roast beef, green onion, green pepper, and radish. Dinner is steak and salad.

I'm currently being cried at by a 13 month old.. Save me..
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Monday, August 27, 2012

My first real "bad" day.

Well, last night I was up 'til about 4:30am, completed my kitchen and bathroom demo.. It was hard work!
I stayed on plan all day yesterday, too.

After my whopping 4 hours of sleep, I got up to the contractor knocking at my door. My kids weren't even up yet!! So, we had to get up, booooo!! Jay (my DP) went and bought some coffees for us, and muffins for everyone (except me, obviously).

I packed up my things from the kitchen the night before, so it's not like I could make anything for myself for breakfast. I wasn't too upset, truthfully. The plan was for me to Jay's mom's house while they finish the work there, so I packed up a weeks worth of clothes, diapers, and what I had left of meat and veggies.. Anyways, I got out the door FINALLY by 12:30pm or so. As I got on to the highway my lips started tingling and began to go numb. I also started feeling panicky (I suffer anxiety attacks), I figure my blood sugar was low.. I had nothing I could eat except some muffins! So I had some muffin, and ate a granola bar when I got to MIL's house.

Then I cooked a proper lunch (egg white, pork loin, green onion, and spinach with a tiny shake of parmesean, and some hot sauce)..

So I am feeling super guilty, and am mad at myself.. Which is making me want to eat more crappy food! Ugh!! I've drank a litre of water since then.. Going to start on another 500mls soon.

I've also had a headache since before I started eating Dr. Poon's way..
I'm laying on MIL's couch watching The Wiggles with my girls, and listening to the rain.

Gotta stop feeling sorry for myself. Just a bump in the road, I will keep going!!

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Saturday, August 25, 2012

My daughter Ivy

My eldest daughter Ivy has really taken to eating salad! I am so happy that she asks for it, here she is with her second helping of spinach salad! We had romaine, and spinach salad for dinner, the girls also had some lunch left overs.

Love my girls, they really make every day so much better. As frustrating as it is with communication, they are just so amazing.

But now I must shut up, Ivy is asking for more salad!
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

low budget go to meals

 I thought it was about time I added some photos!
This isn't a real blog until there are PICTURES! Ha!

Here we have open face cucumber "sandwiches", topped with extra light cream cheese, garlic, and chicken. Salad is baby spinach, homemade caesar dressing, and the extra chicken that didn't fit on my "sandwiches".

This was the first time I made this; WAY too large of a serving. Didn't finish the cucumbers, saved one for later! Very tasty.

Another great goto, chicken, cauliflower, and broccoli on salad! I don't remember what I used as a dressing here, I think a touch of light caesar, with oil and vinegar.. Romaine lettuce, and lots of chili flakes! Yummy! The chicken, and veggies were cooked in the same pan, with a bit of no salt chicken broth, and some various spices!

Are you sensing a theme here? These are all lunches by the way.. This is chicken "SOUP" chili oil was all over this, and I swear I was sweating. I just cooked broccoli, chicken, and spinach all in broth, added a touch of low sodium soy, and chili oil. I made my chili oil, and didn't think it had sat long enough. BOY WAS I WRONG. I added WAY too much.

All in all, I eat a lot of chicken, spinach, and broccoli!
Next month will be different, 'cause I'm more aware of how this works, and what I like/don't... I'm excited for some new ingredients, so I can have some darn variety! :)

Friday, August 24, 2012


The last few days have been interesting, to say the least! My kitchen and bathroom are being demo'd for renovations! It's making this whole diet thing especially fun since after tonight we will have no counter, or sink, or cupboards! LOL..

I don't know if we're staying in this house while it gets reno'd but.. I have to say, having to pee with no door when your MIL is here is.. Mighty strange! LOL!

Today's breakfast was a poached egg with steamed spinach, lunch was three pieces of stewing beef, and 1/4 of a green pepper. I will probably have stewing beef and salad for dinner, since it's already cooked!

I am currently being pelted by a stuffed animal, so we'll end this for now!
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Save your energy, your journey is far from over

Hmm.. I have been having a lot of ups and downs, lately. I feel like the roots of my depression have spread into things they're not supposed to be in. It's ridiculous how we work.

Blah. Tonight was really hard, I almost gave in and had a slice of cheese. I cut a bunch up, put it on Jay's garlic bread, and gave him the rest to snack while dinner cooked. I am cooking him things I am craving. Tonight I cooked chicken schnitzel, and garlic bread. Our common denominator was the cauliflower/broccoli.. I put chili oil on it, chicken broth, a south of garlic, and some soy. It was so spicy!! I had plain chicken with some cajun spice, and spinach cooked in the same pan. Nothing to write home about, but it was food.

One lb at a time. One meal at a time. Everyday I don't give in, I can wake up happier the next morning knowing I am not cheating myself, or cheating my children. My girls deserve to have me in their life. Every time I want to have something I can't, I think of them, I think of them living without me.. and the pain they would feel. I don't want them to know that pain.

I have to do this. I have to take control of my life, I have to become responsible, I am not just answering to myself anymore.

This depression is crushing, and I feel like I'm losing my grip at time. Today I got upset at my baby for crying, I had to calm down, and walk away. Then I gave them cake because I felt bad for being upset with them. My eldest hit me really hard, and it hurt my feelings :(
I don't know if the mood swings are normal for this diet, but it's really strange.
I've also been suffering SERIOUS dizzy spells, every time I stand up.. I hold on to something, and my eyesight fades out, then I stabilise and am okay? It's bizarre, and I don't like it very much. I'm concerned that I am just going to pass out one of these days. I hope not.

Okay, I need to go have a shower.. take the dog out, and go to bed. Our house is undergoing some renovation... Pain in the ass!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Egg and Spinach

So, this diet.. Or I should say: this lifestyle change has gotten me eating more egg and spinach than I ever thought possible. I am like.. Popeye! I should have horrible swollen forearms lmao!

It's a bit of a big thing for me to swallow that I will have to eat like this for the rest of my life. I can't never sit down and eat a bag of chips without feeling guilty, and disgusting. I am working so hard. I couldn't throw away my hard work on chips, or candy, or a beloved toasted peanut butter sandwich.

It's kind of weird, it's like a death of the part of me that loves snacks. Jeez, I even have an email that says I like snacks. I used food to define me, to define my good memories. Every Christmas/Thanksgiving dinner I've hosted; would it have been as pleasant without the sweet potatoes, and fresh bread? Without the pumpkin pie, and cheesecake? Would my christmas cookie plates mean less if they were replaced with sugar free, flourless cakes?
It's a hard thing for me.. I have a gift when it comes to baking or cooking, and I feel like I can't use it. I feel like I've had a piece of my body removed, and I'm still in the denial stage, lol.
Like some ridiculous Kübler-Ross model, I haven't reached anger yet. Maybe I have.. I am angry. I am angry I let this happen, I am angry that to be healthy, to make healthy choices it costs DOUBLE what it does to make bad ones. I hate that I can't go out to dinner with my fiancée because every restaurant puts vast amounts of salt, and who knows what else in their food! But I could get a salad, and eat it with no dressing! AND PAY DOUBLE WHAT THE COST OF A DAMN HAMBURGER COSTS!

It's frustrating, to say the least. I am not rich by any means, which unfortunately limits my choice when it comes to food. Every morning I have spinach and eggs. I've gotten to the point where I don't even put pepper on it 'cause I don't care. It's just fuel. I am just eating it because I have to. I crack an egg into a measuring cup, mix it up, put spinach on top, cover with plastic wrap, and microwave it for a minute. Fast flavourless breakfast. But, I wouldn't trade my flavourless breakfast for my beloved toast.

There are low carb toast options, a flax bread the ontario nutrition company carries.. It's 6 dollars (I think) for a loaf. Yeah. I have a hard time paying 3 dollars for the regular bread! Why isn't it 99 cents anymore?!

The cost of living is skyrocketing, and the pay is not changing. It's upsetting.

Also, I appear to get massive headaches from artificial sweetners. I need to pick up some stevia, and see if that helps. Pfft with all my money, right?

Oh; I should also mention, today is my wonderful daughter's birthday! She is 2 years old :) it's crazy how fast they grow. Her and her sister are the main reason I am doing this. I want them to learn to make proper choices when it comes to eating. My parents never gave me those tools, I am still learning..

And, on that bombshell... I must end this post!
Good luck, and lots of love!
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Saturday, August 18, 2012


I am not coping well right now!! I am super emotional, and woooow! It's ridiculous! I am so upset!!

I want to just give in and eat some licorise. I won't!!

I have noo energy whatsoever, I am just laying here on the couch doing my best corpse imitation. I am craving something sweet, but don't even have the energy to get up, goto the kitchen, and get a mint.

I hope this issue passes soon. I am making a pork roast for dinner! I hope it's good :)
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Weigh in!

-7lbs, and counting.

Gonna keep at it, 'cause that's fantastic! I'm proud of myself right now.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

EDIT: I looked at my papers. This was wrong, the doctor told me the number 7, turns out it was actually 12.5lbs!! Silly me ;) So my first two weeks, was actually 12lbs lost. Awesome.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Today I am weak, I have no energy.. My limbs are heavy, and while the muscles in my legs are tender from yesterday.. It doesn't feel related.

Kind of strange, I hope it passes. I'm digging deep just to stay awake right now. I didn't even go to any hassle to make delicious food, lol. I had an egg on top of spinach (I didn't even put pepper on it lol) and I had tuna, spinach, cucumber and a little mayo mixed together for lunch.

Last night sucked!! My fiancée makes this fabulously delicious pasta sauce.. Like, it blows my mind how good it is. I didn't get to have anyyyy omg. I didn't even TASTE it! So sad.
My girls went nuts eating it! They love it, too. My eldest had two bowls, and my youngest had three!!

I had planned on doing some resistance training while my youngest has a nap today, but my energy is so low, I am postponing until after they go to bed for the night :) maybe I should have a little nap.. I might feel better (or worse!)

I wonder if I am getting sick, or something! We'll see.. First weigh in coming up.. I really hope to see some improvement 'cause I have NOT cheated!

*crosses fingers*
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Monday, August 13, 2012

Step one.

Today I got up an hour and a half before my kids. I got dressed, got water, and music and left. I went for a brisk walk, with running intervals.. I'd run as far as I could, then walk it off.. And repeat.

Felt a bit sick, and I'm wondering if it's the lack of salt in my diet. I honestly felt as if I was getting really tall, and the ground was further and further away from my feet. Yeah. Kind of odd!

I made it home, I thought I was blister free.. But I found one on my little toe. Damn.

I'm going to do this 3-4 times a week, and the days I don't walk/run/walk, I will be doing something else.. Most likely resistance. Wish me luck.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Sunday, August 12, 2012


So, the question is.. How ever did I come to be here? How did I? I don't know.

I've had an interesting life, to put it lightly, my parents were heroin addicts throughout my childhood.. I started gaining weight at the ripe ol' age of 3. I have been overweight for 22 years, now that's a crazy thought.
I remember the day before my first day of school, I was four; I asked my brother "What should if people notice I'm fat?" He told me "Wear a lot of big sweaters, maybe no one will notice!" My brother was 8. If only it was that simple? Right? Heh. I went to that school until I started grade 2, when Children's Aid stepped in, and decided they will take my brother, sister and I from our parents.. Thankfully, my father's parents said they would take us so we wouldn't end up in foster care. I lived with my grandparents, while they were not bad people.. they didn't know how to deal with a fat 7 year old. It's wonderful when your own cousins, aunts, and other extended family call you names, and belittle you. On top of all that, I'm now in a new city, a new school.. with new bullies. Great. My grandma thought she should single me out, and feed me diet food.. I was just a normal kid, I walked to school, and didn't even come into the house afterwards! I just ran around my street with the neighbourhood kids. I was, and still am not lazy.
A year passed, I started wanting to call my nana "mom".
My parents went bankrupt, and lost our house.. I only seen them a few times.. They eventually got "clean" (onto the methodone program), and came to move in with us. There was an apartment in the lower half of our house, so my grandparents lived down there, while we stayed upstairs with our parents.
By now I'm in grade 4, and dealing with so many bullies at school, that I no longer want to learn, or be there. Being singled out by gym teachers, and kids was so hard. I didn't say anything, I just pretended like it didn't bother me. I got made fun of if I ate peanut butter, I got made fun of if I ate tuna.. I got made fun of for eating my lunch! Soon, I just stopped eating lunch at school.. My mom, now battling her weight due to the methodone's side effects put me on a diet with her.. I stuck to it. I didn't lose weight, I got depressed and quit.
My mom did jenny craig, but they wouldn't let me try.  They took me to a nutritionist, who didn't help.. they got me into a gym! By the time I was in grade 6, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I just laid in bed all day and cried, I didn't go to school, I just cried. They brought in a social worker, and a truancy officer.. They MADE me go to school. Do you know what I got to do? Sit in a room in the office all day.. With nothing, no teacher, no work sheets... just a box of lego. Guess who still passed grade 6? Ridiculous. And of course, I still got tormented. I missed a day of school, and someone went into that room, took my stuff, and drew lewd things in my binder... then strung it apart all over the field. How nice.

They ended up sending me to a last chance program, in a school across town. It was full of children with mental issues, criminal records, and drug problems. I fit in for the first time of my life, but still battled this horrible crushing depression. I took to cutting myself, and injuring myself as a way to deal with it. Why bother, everyone hates me anyways, right? I started bullying some kids, because I couldn't deal with myself. I treated almost everyone like crap, and barely went to school. My house got raided by the S.W.A.T. team, which was a great experience. My brother was arrested, and charged. We made the front page of the paper. My best friend was not really allowed to come over anymore, which made me even MORE depressed.. When I finished grade 9, they kicked me out. I was now 15, not legally able to be out of school. My mom said she'd homeschool me.. but that never happened. It was just a legality thing. I sank even deeper into depression.
I tried to go back to regular public school, and the first day I was there, I saw my childhood bully in the hallway. I never went back.

Things got rocky right after this.. My dad and mom split, and he kicked us out. I bummed around at friends' houses, and lived in a room with my mom and sister. Eventually we found a basement apartment, my sister and I were total shut ins, and couldn't deal with all this emotional pain.. We moved again, this time farther away.. My mom just bought take out all the time because my sister was such a picky eater. My sister moved back with my dad.. and my mom and I'd relationship deteriorated. She went on a crazy trip, and slept with one of my friends.. and I stopped talking to her.. But I still lived with her. Things were rough, and I ended up leaving, too. Back to my dad's house. My dad never did "clean up" he was always high and stumbling around. I fought with him daily, there was never food, or toilet paper.. I used to steal napkins, or toiletpaper from the library. A man named Wayne lived with us, Wayne was a body builder. He used to go to the gym all the time, and one night invited me. I became his gym partner. We went four to five nights a week for almost a year. I could run for an hour straight, full throttle the whole time. I could keep up with him in the weights. I had fun. I didn't lose a single lb. I stopped being able to go, and my weight loss desires grew. I met a guy. He abused me, emotionally, and other wise, then he cheated on me, and left. That was the final blow I needed to motivate me. I stopped eating. I ate once a week, and would ride my bike until I threw up daily, and swim. I didn't lose weight. I started eating again, and started binging and purging. I was on a multitude of antidepressants, and antipsychotics. I started meeting random men, men who liked to beat me.. It was a bad addiction, on top of self mutilation, and throwing up all the time. I finally shook myself of the bulimia, and started eating healthy. I counted everything. I exercised, and logged everything. On paper I should've been losing weight.. I lost nothing.
My grandfather died, and I left to go  take care of my grandmother, and help her pack up her house, and all of his things. It was another rough time.. I did so much, I walked so much, up and down this giant hill carrying boxes. Never lost weight. My relationship with my father worsened, he was so high most of the time..
I met my fiancée on a website where I men.. He came to stay with me in my dad's house. My grandmother now decides to sell our house, so I moved up to where I live now to be with him in his house.

We now have two beautiful children, and I have a barrage of health issues. Sleep apnea, and high blood pressure.. and who knows what else!

I am not medicated anymore for my depression. I haven't cut myself in three years, and I haven't purged in about 4. It is time for me to change, it is time to be healthy.

Sorry for the novel, just thought this was a necessary part of my story. Obviously, just a very abridged version of it, but it works for now :)

Haven't cheated, my next weigh in is on the 16th of August. Wish me luck! I'm going to ask if it's okay if I start C25K while I'm eating like this!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Yesterday was hard.

So, last night my fiancée wanted to take me out for dinner. Well, he can't, and he didn't realise that. I told him not to go without because of me.. I feel bad enough, you know?

He ordered a combo from a local chinese place, and shared it with the girls. It was nice not to have to cook, except that I had a complete breakdown and ended up crying in the bathroom. I don't even know why I was crying.

I battle depression, and it's been really crappy this past week.. Usually if I eat something I like, it makes me happy enough I can continue on. I'm growing supremely bored with bland food. It's like I don't want to eat at all, and I end up staring at my plate for at least 15 minutes before I eat it. I am too used to good cooking, I think if you cut out salt you're not cooking properly.. It's against my nature!!

So I'm about to heat up leftover chinese food for my girls. This is going to be torture. I've yet to meet an asian food I don't like. I'd kill for some dim sum, sushi, and canadian chinese food!!
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Tomorrow marks 7 days!

So, I've been thinking.. I am going to have to live through the holiday season. I usually bake so many awesome things!! I won't be able to go apple picking with my kids, and make awesome apple cakes and pies.

This is going to be tough. Really tough.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

This too shall pass, right?

I'm suffering from serious snack cravings (I'd like some doritos, and some nibs licorise please!). I don't know why but I am also very easily agitated today..

Maybe the headache I've had for almost 3 weeks is the cause of that.

I have not cheated! I made homemade caesar dressing today (egg yolk, vinegar, lime juice cause I didn't have lemon, dijon, pepper, and canola oil!) Of course I didn't put salt, or anchovies.. Or cheese, but it's pretty good! I have some fake bacon bits (they're soy) and they are low in sodium/carbs/fat/sugar so I put some of those in there. I don't know if that was okay, but to my understanding of the diet they are...

Dinner was a pork loin chop, some cabbage, and some broccoli and cauliflower. I am still craving chips, but am not hungry.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the idea that I have to eat like this for the rest of my life, but I know I won't be on phase 1 forever. I can't wait to get on with it.. I am impatiently waiting for the 16th!! I want to know if this is doing anything for me!
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Monday, August 6, 2012


I have been suffering from back pain for the last month or so, today it's been horrible! I don't usually sleep through the night 'cause of the pain.
I don't know why it's been so bad! Plus this damn headache!

I'd love a piece of toast. I had egg whites, broccoli and spinach for breakfast instead... It was pretty good! Haha :)
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry


Love when that wonderful despair hits. I feel like crap right now :(

I feel like I'm not doing this diet right, and I'm just wasting my time.

Wow, I can't believe I already feel like this! I need to sleep ugh. Sorry.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day three!

Well, I am missing salt. Which is to be expected, I suppose. I was a pretty intense salt fiend prior.. Maybe that's why I've always had such a hard time losing weight..

I had picked up a "mango flavoured" salad dressing which fit the guidelines of Dr. Poon's diet.. Well, it tastes like complete butts. I have solved this problem, and have figured out my own recipe. Oil, vinegar, lime juice/zest, and a sprinkle of splenda.. Pepper, too if you're in the mood. It's like.. limey and great. I love lime!  I would be extra fabulous with some grated ginger (but I don't have any!)..

I am not hungry on this diet, though. So, that's a good thing. I am able to have my coffee with cream (which is how I drank it prior to dieting) so that's amazing! I love coffee. Whenever I am having a sugar craving, I just have a packet of splenda in my coffee instead... :)

I can't wait 'til the 16th of August! That is my next appointment.. I hope I am showing some kind of results!!

I am still positive. The support I am getting from friends is wonderful, too.

<3 Much love..

Friday, August 3, 2012

Day one..

Yesterday was my first appointment at Dr. Poon's Metabolic clinic.. Very interesting, to say the least.

My first weigh in was most horrible. They have a scale that tells you how much you weigh, how much is fat weight, and how much is water. They're also courteous enough to give you a print out of this info, hah. I also had to do a test to see how my metabolism is.. Apparently it's high. I'm not sure how I have a high metabolism.. But, that was my result.

They also have a store, which is full of snacks and things that comply with this diet. Phase 1 pretty much is no carbs, no sugar, no (bad) fats and NO SALT. I am so missing salt already!! I have my next appointment in two weeks, I am going to pick up some things at their shop, just to make this a bit easier.

My first real "goal" is to lose ANYTHING. My predicted weight loss is around 90lbs.. I can only hope that it works for me.

Today, I had to pick up a bunch of things. My fiancée was surprisingly supportive, and was patient as I read 600 labels.. Lots of spinach, lettuce, and (non root) vegetables..

I can do this!
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

New Blog; A weight loss journey

I've come back to blogger, after many a years of absence!

Why? To document my journey.

I have my first appointment at one of Dr. Poon's clinics on Thursday, August 2nd 2012. I am apprehensive about the whole situation, to be honest. Kind of terrified, as well.
What if I can't do it?
My head is full of doubt. I will die if I don't change, so I must keep reminding myself of this. I do have the strength to do this, I can do it, I deserve better than this! For every positive thought, I've ten negative ones swirling around in my brain.

June was a tough month for me. I did South Beach, and gained FIVE lbs in the first two weeks. It was horrible, I don't think I can sink any lower, to be honest. It's difficult, I am suffering a myriad of health problems due to my weight. Random spiking blood pressure, headaches that last weeks, sleep apnea, depression.. I'm also showing a marker in my blood for an autoimmune disease, and have just done a hormone test.
To top it all off, my doctor suspects that I am bipolar.

So on that bombshell, I'm going to ask for luck, and positive thoughts.