However did you come to be here?

Sunday, August 12, 2012


So, the question is.. How ever did I come to be here? How did I? I don't know.

I've had an interesting life, to put it lightly, my parents were heroin addicts throughout my childhood.. I started gaining weight at the ripe ol' age of 3. I have been overweight for 22 years, now that's a crazy thought.
I remember the day before my first day of school, I was four; I asked my brother "What should if people notice I'm fat?" He told me "Wear a lot of big sweaters, maybe no one will notice!" My brother was 8. If only it was that simple? Right? Heh. I went to that school until I started grade 2, when Children's Aid stepped in, and decided they will take my brother, sister and I from our parents.. Thankfully, my father's parents said they would take us so we wouldn't end up in foster care. I lived with my grandparents, while they were not bad people.. they didn't know how to deal with a fat 7 year old. It's wonderful when your own cousins, aunts, and other extended family call you names, and belittle you. On top of all that, I'm now in a new city, a new school.. with new bullies. Great. My grandma thought she should single me out, and feed me diet food.. I was just a normal kid, I walked to school, and didn't even come into the house afterwards! I just ran around my street with the neighbourhood kids. I was, and still am not lazy.
A year passed, I started wanting to call my nana "mom".
My parents went bankrupt, and lost our house.. I only seen them a few times.. They eventually got "clean" (onto the methodone program), and came to move in with us. There was an apartment in the lower half of our house, so my grandparents lived down there, while we stayed upstairs with our parents.
By now I'm in grade 4, and dealing with so many bullies at school, that I no longer want to learn, or be there. Being singled out by gym teachers, and kids was so hard. I didn't say anything, I just pretended like it didn't bother me. I got made fun of if I ate peanut butter, I got made fun of if I ate tuna.. I got made fun of for eating my lunch! Soon, I just stopped eating lunch at school.. My mom, now battling her weight due to the methodone's side effects put me on a diet with her.. I stuck to it. I didn't lose weight, I got depressed and quit.
My mom did jenny craig, but they wouldn't let me try.  They took me to a nutritionist, who didn't help.. they got me into a gym! By the time I was in grade 6, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I just laid in bed all day and cried, I didn't go to school, I just cried. They brought in a social worker, and a truancy officer.. They MADE me go to school. Do you know what I got to do? Sit in a room in the office all day.. With nothing, no teacher, no work sheets... just a box of lego. Guess who still passed grade 6? Ridiculous. And of course, I still got tormented. I missed a day of school, and someone went into that room, took my stuff, and drew lewd things in my binder... then strung it apart all over the field. How nice.

They ended up sending me to a last chance program, in a school across town. It was full of children with mental issues, criminal records, and drug problems. I fit in for the first time of my life, but still battled this horrible crushing depression. I took to cutting myself, and injuring myself as a way to deal with it. Why bother, everyone hates me anyways, right? I started bullying some kids, because I couldn't deal with myself. I treated almost everyone like crap, and barely went to school. My house got raided by the S.W.A.T. team, which was a great experience. My brother was arrested, and charged. We made the front page of the paper. My best friend was not really allowed to come over anymore, which made me even MORE depressed.. When I finished grade 9, they kicked me out. I was now 15, not legally able to be out of school. My mom said she'd homeschool me.. but that never happened. It was just a legality thing. I sank even deeper into depression.
I tried to go back to regular public school, and the first day I was there, I saw my childhood bully in the hallway. I never went back.

Things got rocky right after this.. My dad and mom split, and he kicked us out. I bummed around at friends' houses, and lived in a room with my mom and sister. Eventually we found a basement apartment, my sister and I were total shut ins, and couldn't deal with all this emotional pain.. We moved again, this time farther away.. My mom just bought take out all the time because my sister was such a picky eater. My sister moved back with my dad.. and my mom and I'd relationship deteriorated. She went on a crazy trip, and slept with one of my friends.. and I stopped talking to her.. But I still lived with her. Things were rough, and I ended up leaving, too. Back to my dad's house. My dad never did "clean up" he was always high and stumbling around. I fought with him daily, there was never food, or toilet paper.. I used to steal napkins, or toiletpaper from the library. A man named Wayne lived with us, Wayne was a body builder. He used to go to the gym all the time, and one night invited me. I became his gym partner. We went four to five nights a week for almost a year. I could run for an hour straight, full throttle the whole time. I could keep up with him in the weights. I had fun. I didn't lose a single lb. I stopped being able to go, and my weight loss desires grew. I met a guy. He abused me, emotionally, and other wise, then he cheated on me, and left. That was the final blow I needed to motivate me. I stopped eating. I ate once a week, and would ride my bike until I threw up daily, and swim. I didn't lose weight. I started eating again, and started binging and purging. I was on a multitude of antidepressants, and antipsychotics. I started meeting random men, men who liked to beat me.. It was a bad addiction, on top of self mutilation, and throwing up all the time. I finally shook myself of the bulimia, and started eating healthy. I counted everything. I exercised, and logged everything. On paper I should've been losing weight.. I lost nothing.
My grandfather died, and I left to go  take care of my grandmother, and help her pack up her house, and all of his things. It was another rough time.. I did so much, I walked so much, up and down this giant hill carrying boxes. Never lost weight. My relationship with my father worsened, he was so high most of the time..
I met my fiancée on a website where I men.. He came to stay with me in my dad's house. My grandmother now decides to sell our house, so I moved up to where I live now to be with him in his house.

We now have two beautiful children, and I have a barrage of health issues. Sleep apnea, and high blood pressure.. and who knows what else!

I am not medicated anymore for my depression. I haven't cut myself in three years, and I haven't purged in about 4. It is time for me to change, it is time to be healthy.

Sorry for the novel, just thought this was a necessary part of my story. Obviously, just a very abridged version of it, but it works for now :)

Haven't cheated, my next weigh in is on the 16th of August. Wish me luck! I'm going to ask if it's okay if I start C25K while I'm eating like this!

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