However did you come to be here?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Save your energy, your journey is far from over

Hmm.. I have been having a lot of ups and downs, lately. I feel like the roots of my depression have spread into things they're not supposed to be in. It's ridiculous how we work.

Blah. Tonight was really hard, I almost gave in and had a slice of cheese. I cut a bunch up, put it on Jay's garlic bread, and gave him the rest to snack while dinner cooked. I am cooking him things I am craving. Tonight I cooked chicken schnitzel, and garlic bread. Our common denominator was the cauliflower/broccoli.. I put chili oil on it, chicken broth, a south of garlic, and some soy. It was so spicy!! I had plain chicken with some cajun spice, and spinach cooked in the same pan. Nothing to write home about, but it was food.

One lb at a time. One meal at a time. Everyday I don't give in, I can wake up happier the next morning knowing I am not cheating myself, or cheating my children. My girls deserve to have me in their life. Every time I want to have something I can't, I think of them, I think of them living without me.. and the pain they would feel. I don't want them to know that pain.

I have to do this. I have to take control of my life, I have to become responsible, I am not just answering to myself anymore.

This depression is crushing, and I feel like I'm losing my grip at time. Today I got upset at my baby for crying, I had to calm down, and walk away. Then I gave them cake because I felt bad for being upset with them. My eldest hit me really hard, and it hurt my feelings :(
I don't know if the mood swings are normal for this diet, but it's really strange.
I've also been suffering SERIOUS dizzy spells, every time I stand up.. I hold on to something, and my eyesight fades out, then I stabilise and am okay? It's bizarre, and I don't like it very much. I'm concerned that I am just going to pass out one of these days. I hope not.

Okay, I need to go have a shower.. take the dog out, and go to bed. Our house is undergoing some renovation... Pain in the ass!!

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