Well, I got my mojo back.

I am back, jack! 

I have been struggling. I'm not going to deny I am up 20lbs. I'm sure half is water, and half is fat. My clothes fit me the same- in fact, I went out and got myself a new pair of jeans. SIZE 14 BABY! My chest is the only thing I'm noticing a difference in size (LOL!) 

I've been eating well, and trying to run again, which is hurting me, but I love it too much to stop right now. 

Yesterday and today's breakfast was zucchini frittata, very delicious! Lunch yesterday was healthy chicken salad, today's was pork loin and spinach salad, dinner was meatloaf yesterday, and tonight was steak and baked zucchini! There was more before that, but I don't remember what it was! I think I had something awesome, haha.. 

I'm trying to get more positive, the problem with me is I get stuck in a horrible cycle of depression, it leads me in a circle and I just fall deeper into depression. Food is what makes me feel better. Apparently I'm a binge eater now, I never was before this diet.. So that's a little alarming. I have such disordered thoughts about food, I hope I can get over it, and just eat when my body needs it.. I don't know why I can't. I don't know why I'm always thinking about food, or my next meal, I have so much on my proverbial plate.. How do I have time to worry about food? Really! With two young kids, you'd think I'd just be too busy to care? I don't know. It's weird. 

I wonder if it's because when I was a teen I was literally starving because my father was a drug addict, so I have the urge to eat all the food, I don't know. Anyways, here's a picture of Ember being a turkey in her table.

G

Embarrassing.

Okay, after an embarrassing GAIN... I'm back. I am bipolar, and was in a downward spiral. 

My home scale is broken, and I swear 'cause I couldn't see what I was doing to myself it wasn't important. I got a stern talking to from Dr. Crystal, and it was definitely needed. I am feeling better about everything, I am glad that it wasn't as big as a gain as I was expecting, and it wasn't worth it. Eating didn't make me feel better, it didn't get me through the rough spots. 

I injured my knee (I fell in a hole in my backyard-- thanks to the wonderful car dealership that ripped one of my trees out-- but that's a whole other can of worms) and could barely walk for a few days. I picked up a cheap tensor brace, and have stopped running for now. I tried to run through the pain- and that only (obviously) made it worse. I dreamt about running last night. Ugh, I am feeling okay today without the brace on, but am definitely taking one more day of rest before I try anything.

I am sad that I feel like I have to mistreat myself to deal with my depression. I have a history of self harm, and it's almost like I get the same satisfaction from EATING CRAP now! Now THAT is ridiculous. Who knew. Anyways, I'm happy to be back.

Today's plan is: 

Breakfast- Protein shake, and half of a 2 cream coffee from Timmies.

Lunch- One egg, one egg white (scrambled), with spinach and green onion.

Dinner- Lemon grilled chicken, grilled broccoli (marinated in italian dressing) and a Caesar salad (1/2tbsp Renee's, on a mix of romaine and iceberg lettuce).

I doubt I will have any snacks, but if I do they will be of the salad variety. I don't get to run today, so I am gonna try to find a low impact work out I can do until my knee feels better! 

My kids are the best. I have to be the best I can be for them. What good will I be if I can't walk because I'm too heavy for my knees? if I can't keep up with them as they grow? If I teach them bad eating habits, if I die at a young age because my body can not handle being so fat anymore? These are all good reasons, and never mind the whole "to love myself" thing. I've never loved myself. I'm trying, I want to love who I am, and the body I'm in. I want to be happy. Weight loss will NOT make me happy, but it will give me one less thing I hate about myself-- and that's pretty good if you ask me.

Couch to 5k.

So, I've been doing the Couch to 5k program. At 237lbs, I am amazed. I am on week 6, I haven't had to repeat any weeks, I haven't had any injury.. I just.. Can't believe it! I could barely run one minute at a time when I started. Two days ago I ran for 20 minutes without stopping. Sure, I was slow, my speed was abysmal, I could walk faster.. BUT I WAS NOT WALKING, I was still running, I  didn't give up. I haven't gave up on any runs yet, the weather is hot. The humidity terrible, yes I do my runs at night.. I risk being harassed by rubbies, skunks, and rogue bears.. LOL. It's better for me I think to run when it's cooler, because I'd have no chance to do it early morning (I have my little girls to watch, after all.)...

Tomorrow I have a weigh in, tomorrow I hope that my 4 days of eating not so great choices out of 14 days... Didn't completely screw me up. I do as good as I can, but I'm not perfect all the time. I have no problems restarting, I eat healthy 90% of the time-- and that's what this is. A life style. I think if I didn't screw up, I couldn't do it at all. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm a strange person, but what I'm doing has made a huge difference in my life! And that's what I need. And hell, I'm becoming a runner!!

Mosquitos are slowly eating me alive, but.. Such is my life! Argh they love me.

Here is my before, and during! -84lbs looks like that right there. I will definitely push through, I will definitely reach my goals, and I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!

OOPS!

I've been so busy and completely forgot to keep up with my poor blog.

Well, water weight is a jerk, isn't it?! I lost 4lbs fat, but gained 5lbs water! Gr! I'm down 84lbs now, well.. 83 now, thanks to stupid water! So I will drink drink drink these next two weeks!! And run! I'm doing the couch to 5km running program! I am on week 4, day 1 tonight!! I am so excited, I really am enjoying the running learning process! I can't wait until  I can run 30 minutes without stopping! I am now 238lbs, I started at 321lbs in August of 2012. I have had a few set backs, and messed up once or twice.. I've also considered completely giving up once or twice, but I am persevering, I want to run, I want to be healthy and I want to be happy. I hope I can lose the lat 17lbs to make 100lbs gone in a year! So exciting, I would accept 90lbs in a year, as well HAHAH. I just think I can do better! 

Anyway, that's as far as I'm going to go! My mobile is at 3% battery life! I will do some progress pictures and post some recipes soon :) 

So.

I conveniently skipped march! Why?

Well.
I went to Cuba!! So I lived on bread and alcohol for a week LOL. Yeah. Not my shining moment, but I really did not like any of the food.. I tried their salads and lets just say I only had one bite, and that was enough of that.

I have been writing up a bunch of recipes which I will share eventually! With pictures! Delicious pictures. Aside from my week in Cuba, I have been pretty much on plan. I have no official weigh ins since my last post, sadly.

The clinic I was going to was in Newmarket, well, they're closed now. So I've been waiting for my fiancé to get referred so we can both do the plan, and go on the same day!

I am excited, I'm feeling like I'm not losing any weight at all, so I'm not too sure.. I am kind of feeling sad, because I am sticking to plan, but ugh! I just want to cry cause I'm so trying, but not been super active thanks to depression, and a cold. I know it's a crap excuse. I want to get outside, but the damn weather is working against me. Ugh.

Anyways yeah. Offices weigh in on the 11th, I'm curious to see where I'm at.

Boo!

So.. Last weigh in?? -3lbs fat.. +2lbs water +1lbs non fat mass

So, the scale stays the same. That -3lbs fat is okay though, but not leading to me of my goal of 50lbs by June. Still have 37lbs to go.. I am trying to step it up! It's been hard, I've been suffering headaches almost daily lately, I don't dig it.
I have a doctors appointment on the 26th so I am going to bring this up to her.

I need to do today's workout and am feeling so unmotivated, my kids have been rotten and ugh! Just unhappy with that.

I did get some awesome news though I am going on a trip at the end of the month with my sister . Totally going to ruin my eating plans, but gonna attempt to goto the gym daily there to make up for it. Here's hoping I don't gain anything!


So my total weight loss is sitting at -66lbs..

Another one (or nine!) bites the dust!

So, on Tuesday I went for a very dreaded weigh in.. I had stepped up my activity with JM's 30 day shred. I've missed a total of four days I think in 3 weeks? So I'm pretty good at sticking to it!

Anyway, I'm down 66lbs. Which is awesome! 9lbs in two weeks? I can deal with that! So I've lost 13lbs since Christmas. Seems like I'm on track for my goal of 50lbs by June! I can't wait to get there! I am so proud of how far I have come, and am definitely suffering from the body transmorphic disorder or whatever it's called. I look in the mirror, and I look the same as I did at 321. I tried on a pair of size 14 jeans.. A bit big. I tried on size 12s.. An inch too small! I don't see myself being that small.. I hope my view of myself starts changing!! I am scared of my skin, it's pretty droopy. I can't believe it to be honest.. I hope somehow I can have the surgery to remove it.

Post weigh in bluuuueess..

Well, I went for my weigh in on the 22nd. Down 3lbs fat, and my water was up 1lb and my Fat free mass was up 1lb. Frustrating. But, motivating to keep me from messing up! I wasn't watching my fat or salt intake as close as usual..

I am now doing two separate work outs per day, and my legs are complete jello right now lol! (Doing turbo jam, and 30 day shred) so.. Lets see how that goes. I'm on day 3 right now! I can't wait til I start feeling stronger.. I have never been as weak as I am now. I am also trying to master the 2 minute plank. My longest time right now is 1:36 .. I'll get there eventually!! I hope. Planks are exceedingly difficult for me.. At 264lbs.. Holding that much weight up is hard! Lol!

So in total I am down 57lbs.. I can't wait for the 5th to see how these two weeks treat me!

Post holiday weigh in!

Well, I faced the music.
The trip down to Newmarket was crap, I was mad at my fiancé for making me late, I had an anxiety attack AND my eldest puked all over herself.. So, Ivy accompanied me into my doctor's appointment, in all our vomit covered glory. A wool scarf was about all I had in the car to clean us up, so I'm sure we smelled about as good as we looked.

So, I stepped on the scale.. Only down 3lbs! That is kind of awesome!! I get my little print out, read it, and damn if I'm not down 9lbs of fat! I've gained 6 of water! Nooo! After the trip home, I notice I've received my monthly visitor.. Ohhh, damn water retention!

Overall I'm pretty happy with that, I am down 56lbs in total! 22 weeks in, I think I am doing pretty good. Think I can lose another 50 by June? I think I can! I just can't wait to see what my future holds! By the time I can afford to be married, I will probably be my goal weight, haha.. Such a silly but awesome thing.

I am being super strict for the rest of January, I think a good start will set the tone for the rest of the year!!

Personal Challenge.

"This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal, all this pain is an illusion." tool ~ parabola

I draw a lot of my motivation, and happiness from music. I don't know if that makes sense, but there are just songs that just blow my mind, and make me feeling amazing.


I started a personal challenge.. 50lbs by June 2013. I think it's doable..

Photo 1, January 1st 2013. A few others on a facebook group I am apart of are doing the same kind of thing, a personal photo challenge. It is a bit humiliating posting a full body photo of myself. I would like to mention, though, this is AFTER already losing 50lbs, so.. Just imagine what I looked like before! Yuck.

I have have 100lbs to go to be 170lbs, at 5'9" that is a pretty okay weight. I probably won't reach that goal due to excess skin.. Sadly. It is already looking pretty droopy. While you can't really tell from this photo, my legs are much smaller than my upper body. I wore a size 18 pant before starting my diet-- most people my size are into 24-28+ sizes. I can't wait to lose weight off my midsection, and arms.

Awesomeness about this picture? Both the pants, and shirt were too small for me before (Both XL sizes, but running a bit on the smaller XL size on the shirt), they're both baggy on me now! Awesome, right?



Being healthy is hard, but I am busting my ass. I have to complete this month of "clean" eating. (ie, no tastes, cheats, or badness) and I will be graduating to "PHASE 2" meaning.. I can have more carbs per serving. Which is a super exciting concept to me, I can't wait to start trying some recipes I've found.. I would like to experiment with baking, as well! I have a hungarian dessert that I made a "real" one for Christmas.. it is essentially cookies, layered with a buttercream, and pastry cream filling... and apricot preserves. Topped with dark chocolate. The only thing is I don't know if I will be able to find a low carb apricot jam.. I have seen some "spreads" at the ontario nutrition store, so I will definitely be looking into those! The serving size of them is very small, a slice like maybe 5cm by 5cm! I will have to do some math, and stuff to see if it's actually doable for my diet. I bet it will be, and it will be delicious!


Anyways, feelin' a bit better over here lately, though I have had a headache for 2 days. Ugh. Horrible! It was a migraine, but now it's just down to a dull headache. I hope it goes away soon.. It's hard to be motivated to clean up my house when I can't bend down! My head and eyes are trying to buldge out of my head!

Holidays

My holidays were crap. I made a lot of bad eating choices. I have been back on track for a few days but I am still having crazy cravings. Agh, now is a time for sugar free candy, but I don't have any. I'm afraid that I might give in to all the sweets in my house. I can't. I have goals.

I want to lose at least 50lbs before June. I want to be 100lbs lighter for the summer. It would be pretty amazing.. I'd only be 50lbs from my goal then. Such a silly thing to be excited for, only being 50lbs overweight!


I just can't imagine ever being less than 200lbs. I hope I can actually get there. I have to stay motivates! I have started a daily exercise regime- it's nothing that strenuous right now, but it does give me a work out and it's something to help keep me motivated again.

Anyways, my next weigh in isn't until January 8th (I think) wish me luck, hope I didn't gain..

Struggles

Wow, I didn't realise how hard the holidays were really going to be! My mom is the biggest enabler in the world LOL! Even my DP is like "IT'S CHRISTMAS! ENJOY IT!!" It is Christmas. I have done a lot of nice things, and I will continue to do so. I want to do more random acts of kindness with my girls, it might become a Christmas tradition :)

I am always trying to be nice to people, it really shocks me how rude people really are.. Especially around this time of year.. I don't get it.

Oops!

Sorry for no updates, I have been super busy! My mom is visiting from Quebec for Christmas. It's awesome that she's here!

I am losing some motivation for my serious black and white view of this diet. I have messed up a lot the last week. I don't see my doctor again until the 8th. I am in a frame of mind right now where my only goal for the rest of this month is to not gain. I could care less about losing.. I just feel so blah! Christmas is about food and family. I just put so much damn emotion into my cooking to be able to just ... Not do it anymore. I am baking and cooking just the same as I always have. A lot of people would say it's bad, or that I don't understand the diet. I sure do, I sure understand it. But life is short, and I want to be happy. I find happiness in cooking for my family and friends.. Healthy food, or not. I could do a healthy Christmas meal, but, would anyone really want it? Would my family want to drive two hours to have rabbit food? I wouldn't.

I have a hard time with the idea of being low carb for the rest of my life. In my head I will be low carb until I reach my goal. Then I will test to find a life style that suits me better. Maybe I will do weight watchers, or count calories for maintenance. I just ... Don't know. I can tell you I won't eat carbs the way I did. Though.

I am feeling sad. I hope I can figure this out. I hope I am not setting my kids up to face such horrible weight problems. I am sitting with my daughter, as she's eating a peanut butter sandwich (that she asked for) and I feel guilty for it. I feel like I shouldn't give it to her, like by feeding her carbs I am messing her up for life. Uhhghg! Such a horrible frame of mind. I dislike this.

Anyways, I am going to celebrate the way I want, I am going to be happy, and have the food that makes me feel happy and loved. Not everyday, just one one special day. If I misstep, it happens. I have my tools, as soon as these holidays pass, the temptation will be gone. It will be back to normal, be back to not being strapped for cash, and just trying to get by without buying extra.




Lately I have found that I would rather not eat, then eat something healthy. Does that even make sense? I am not hungry. I had an egg and spinach for breakfast, and a coffee. I should be hungry. I'm not. Ugh!

Day after weigh in!

I am down another 7lbs, putting my total weightloss to 49lbs..

I am very happy, but can't figure out what my overall goal weight should be. All the paperwork says 160lbs or so for my height. I don't think that's really feasible with how much skin I will have left.. I am already looking pretty droopy. I am really hoping that in the next four months I can lose 35-40lbs.. I don't know if that's a realistic goal, or not! I really really hope so.. That will put me around 235 (depending on what I actually lose) and I want to start running hopefully at 230lbs!! I have a slightly bad knee, and with the winter deep freeze setting in, it's just not something I can do at this weight and in the winter. I would love to get a treadmill, just so I can get some walking in until then.. Maybe I will be able to pull some funds together to get one for myself.. :s

Anyways, I am still chipping away at this weight! Hopefully doing some good. :)

Lazy Parmesan chicken breast

Okay! Another quick recipe! This one is great cause there is really hardly any effort but it tastes fabulous!

Ingredients:
Two to Three chicken breasts
1 tbsp of olive oil low fat mayonnaise
2tbsp of Parmesan cheese
1tsp of olive oil
pepper to taste
Optional - garlic, chili flakes, or lemon

Method;
Mix mayo with Parmesan, and oil.. Season chicken breasts, place them onto a greased pan, spread the paste of cheese on top, then bake at 400 until the top is crispy and golden brown (about 30 minutes, but it really depends on the thickness of your chicken). You could sub the mayo for Caesar dressing, sour cream, cream cheese, or even Greek yoghurt!

Happy eating :)



Btw, the picture has roasted carrots, and roasted potatoes; this was a photo of my kids' dinner.. I don't eat root vegetables :) but roasted carrots are amazing 400 for 40 minutes (or until they are brown around the edges) just toss em in olive oil, salt and pepper. Potatoes were prepared the same way, with a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese instead of salt.

Sweet chipotle beef recipe

Well, I have a recipe! This was thrown together at the last minute, but was absolutely fabulous!

Sweet Chipotle Beef
(Seared beef, on top of spinach, and green onion in a sweet chipotle sauce)
Serves 1
Ingredients:
6 pieces of stewing beef (I believe it was from a eye of the round roast- since I eat my beef rare, it did not get tough, if you like it well done, use a more tender cut of beef, or actually stew the beef.. I'd recommend in beef broth with a chipotle pepper)
3 cups of spinach
1 green onion
1/2 of a chipotle pepper (in adobo)
1 tsp of olive oil
1 tsp of red chilli powder
1 packet of Splenda (or whatever sweetner you choose)
And a splash of water (beef broth would be better; I just had none!)
Half salt and pepper to taste


Method:
(For rare/med rare beef) heat oil in pan on high, brown beef on all sides, remove from pan, lower heat, put spinach chipotle, splenda and spices into pan, add a splash of water.. Cook until spinach is tender, put meat back into the pan and toss.

If you are going to stew it for well done beef, just cover the beef in low sodium broth, maybe toss in half a chipotle if you want some extra spicy, bring to a boil, then drop to low heat and simmer for an hour or maybe longer depending on the cut of beef.. Then do the same thing with the already stewed beef!

Would be great served on cauliflower rice (blitzed cauliflower, then steamed) or regular rice if you're not low carb!

Weigh in day is nigh!!

Well, it's nearing that time again. Weigh in day is nigh!! I really hope I did we'll these past two weeks, I had one bad day.. Where I ate a donut, and some fruit. Hopefully my strictness every other day has made up for it!

I am coming to terms with the holiday season. It is going to be hard not to enjoy the chocolates, the cheese and the root veggies. I know I will have screw ups, but I am not going to give up, I owe this to myself and my kids. The baking will be the hardest, since I usually bake for my friends an family.. I want Christmas to be special for my kids, I am not going to change the tradition of baking together, I just won't. It's something I find important, instead I will just make smaller batches and give most away!

I want to be able to start running in the spring, so I have to keep on it, my legs would probably explode if I started running now at 279lbs. We will see :)

I am never getting fat again.



Recipe for "Egg bites"

4 whole eggs, plus two whites
1 green onion, chopped
1/2 a green pepper, chopped
1 1/2 cups spinach, chopped
1/2 cup water
1 tbsp cream (or milk)
3 slices of cheddar cut in half (or crumbled, like I did)
Half salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 Fahrenheit, oil muffin pan with olive oil, or spray. Chop veggies and sautee them in a pan (this cuts down on sogginess in the finished product), crack eggs and egg whites into a bowl, add vegetable mixture (add seasoning here), mix well then ladle into greased muffin tin. Place one half of each slice of cheese onto the top of each egg cupcake, bake for about 20-25 minutes. Enjoy!

This recipe made 6 egg bites.

You can add anything to this recipe (meat or veggie wise) and it would be amazing if you mixed in a cup of bisquick or carbquik.

I did this nutrition fact with my fitness pal, so I can't guarantee it's accuracy, but it looks close enough for my happiness, obviously serving size is one egg bite.

Weigh in..

Well, I should have known. That -11lbs I lost last weight in was too much for me to replicate. With all the hardships I went through, I'm happy to report that I did not gain, but only lost .5 lbs.. So, a half a pound. I am sad to say, but .. A loss is a loss, and is better than a gain. Everyone has a hard time once in a while. I ate pizza in depression, but now am back on track. I have decided I won't be buying much"processed" foods anymore, I eat too many of the sugar free chocolates, I know they are not "free" and I think it's just better if I don't buy them anymore. As much as I love them, they also make me extremely sick.. But that's thanks to the effects of malitol.

Anyways, I have been down in the dumps, and very weak. I have been keeping a food journal, and I swear it's just making me worse. I don't know. I hope my next weigh in is better! I will enjoy my hard candies though, I don't want to binge on those, and they satisfy my sweet tooth. It's all about finding balance, I suppose. I am trying to figure this out, but I know this will always be a life long struggle. I am glad I haven't felt like I can't do this, times get tough, and everyone messes up. Get back up, and keep going at it.

Cheating implies that you get away with it. I don't get away when I eat bad food, I just cheat myself out of success! I can do this.. I will. I will be happy, and I will be healthy... For my kids, and for myself.

So..

I have been truckin' on.. This lifestyle is interesting, it's so simple. I am starting to embrace the more simple things.. My house needs to become simplified. I used to think I liked knick knacks and trinkets, now I think I am over run by junk!! I want to trash it all!! DP probably does not share my views, but wow! I just want to throw everything out! I want a new start to my new life, these objects are burdens just like this extra 100lbs encased around me. I wish to shed myself of both!

But when? When so I have time for me? Let alone for a massive undergoing such as a giant purge. I need to set a date, give the kids to MIL and just do it. Sigh, I don't know!

I wish I had someone to help me! I am not organized but I want to remove as much as I can so I don't need that much organization skill haha!

The 6th was my birthday, it was a bit of a bad day, My sister came up from Brampton to spend some time with me.. She bought me lunch.. So I had a bad day. I'm hoping I am back in ketosis now, though, I have been super strict, and will be until my weigh in. I hope the few bad days I had didn't ruin these two weeks. But, as I've said before my "bad days" now are way better than the "good days" I had before!!

Right now I am snuggled up on the couch with my two year old.. We are sharing three blankets, as she watches her favourite show. I am so happy right now.


Now, should I get up from this lovely warm spot with her, and clean? I should, but spending time with her one on one seems more important. Ahh.. Maybe when they go to bed tonight!!

Haha!

Ahh Halloween.

Halloween: my favourite holiday. I love horror, and all that fun cheese.

This year I was able to live it through my children, which was fabulous. My 2 year old didn't care about the rain, and wind.. So in turn, neither did I. We started at 6:30, and didn't get in till 9:30 .. Both my kids were happy as clams. We sorted candy, and I was not tempted. After the whole shebang, we still had to go grocery shopping.. I stuffed some candies in my pockets for the girls 'cause they hadn't had dinner yet, we were Going to take them to McDonald's in the Walmart. Well, they were closed.. We got our shopping done, and hit McDonald's on the way home. I had a left over salad, and half a steak in the fridge, so I had that.

Yesterday, the chocolate in the cupboard got to me.. DP bought a bunch on sale for himself. Knowing it wasn't the girls candy made it ... Accessible to me. I never am tempted by their treats, cause they are for the kids. Ugh. So I for sure knocked myself out of ketosis.. I am not proud, in fact am ashamed. It is I hard to just say no. It's ridiculous how weak it makes me feel to think I can't even ignore a damn mini chocolate bar. My willpower is strong, but .. The kids screaming, and not listening stresses me out.. I never learned how to cope with stressful situations. My way of coping was to eat, or do something horrible to myself. Both very unhealthy, yet both still ingrained into my being

This diet is not only about food, it is about coming face to face with the reasons behind why I eat. Did my parents teach me this? Did they not hug me enough, is it just my nature? Am I doomed to be unhealthy my entire life? And will I ever be able to over come this. I want to replace my stress eating with stress exercising. I think that is at least productive. I think I need to seek some guidance, I need to learn some we coping skills.

Ugh I don't know!

I have started using my fitness pal, and now that I am tracking my calories, ontop of carbs.. I never hit my daily recommended intake. Is this a bad thing? Even the day where I ate the chocolate, I was still 500 calories under the recommended minimum for my body.. Just something interesting to think about.

I will be asking my doctor when I see her next about all of this. And the dizziness has returned.

Alright, good luck!