Embarrassing.

Okay, after an embarrassing GAIN... I'm back. I am bipolar, and was in a downward spiral. 

My home scale is broken, and I swear 'cause I couldn't see what I was doing to myself it wasn't important. I got a stern talking to from Dr. Crystal, and it was definitely needed. I am feeling better about everything, I am glad that it wasn't as big as a gain as I was expecting, and it wasn't worth it. Eating didn't make me feel better, it didn't get me through the rough spots. 

I injured my knee (I fell in a hole in my backyard-- thanks to the wonderful car dealership that ripped one of my trees out-- but that's a whole other can of worms) and could barely walk for a few days. I picked up a cheap tensor brace, and have stopped running for now. I tried to run through the pain- and that only (obviously) made it worse. I dreamt about running last night. Ugh, I am feeling okay today without the brace on, but am definitely taking one more day of rest before I try anything.

I am sad that I feel like I have to mistreat myself to deal with my depression. I have a history of self harm, and it's almost like I get the same satisfaction from EATING CRAP now! Now THAT is ridiculous. Who knew. Anyways, I'm happy to be back.

Today's plan is: 

Breakfast- Protein shake, and half of a 2 cream coffee from Timmies.

Lunch- One egg, one egg white (scrambled), with spinach and green onion.

Dinner- Lemon grilled chicken, grilled broccoli (marinated in italian dressing) and a Caesar salad (1/2tbsp Renee's, on a mix of romaine and iceberg lettuce).

I doubt I will have any snacks, but if I do they will be of the salad variety. I don't get to run today, so I am gonna try to find a low impact work out I can do until my knee feels better! 

My kids are the best. I have to be the best I can be for them. What good will I be if I can't walk because I'm too heavy for my knees? if I can't keep up with them as they grow? If I teach them bad eating habits, if I die at a young age because my body can not handle being so fat anymore? These are all good reasons, and never mind the whole "to love myself" thing. I've never loved myself. I'm trying, I want to love who I am, and the body I'm in. I want to be happy. Weight loss will NOT make me happy, but it will give me one less thing I hate about myself-- and that's pretty good if you ask me.