Well, I got my mojo back.

I am back, jack! 

I have been struggling. I'm not going to deny I am up 20lbs. I'm sure half is water, and half is fat. My clothes fit me the same- in fact, I went out and got myself a new pair of jeans. SIZE 14 BABY! My chest is the only thing I'm noticing a difference in size (LOL!) 

I've been eating well, and trying to run again, which is hurting me, but I love it too much to stop right now. 

Yesterday and today's breakfast was zucchini frittata, very delicious! Lunch yesterday was healthy chicken salad, today's was pork loin and spinach salad, dinner was meatloaf yesterday, and tonight was steak and baked zucchini! There was more before that, but I don't remember what it was! I think I had something awesome, haha.. 

I'm trying to get more positive, the problem with me is I get stuck in a horrible cycle of depression, it leads me in a circle and I just fall deeper into depression. Food is what makes me feel better. Apparently I'm a binge eater now, I never was before this diet.. So that's a little alarming. I have such disordered thoughts about food, I hope I can get over it, and just eat when my body needs it.. I don't know why I can't. I don't know why I'm always thinking about food, or my next meal, I have so much on my proverbial plate.. How do I have time to worry about food? Really! With two young kids, you'd think I'd just be too busy to care? I don't know. It's weird. 

I wonder if it's because when I was a teen I was literally starving because my father was a drug addict, so I have the urge to eat all the food, I don't know. Anyways, here's a picture of Ember being a turkey in her table.

G

Embarrassing.

Okay, after an embarrassing GAIN... I'm back. I am bipolar, and was in a downward spiral. 

My home scale is broken, and I swear 'cause I couldn't see what I was doing to myself it wasn't important. I got a stern talking to from Dr. Crystal, and it was definitely needed. I am feeling better about everything, I am glad that it wasn't as big as a gain as I was expecting, and it wasn't worth it. Eating didn't make me feel better, it didn't get me through the rough spots. 

I injured my knee (I fell in a hole in my backyard-- thanks to the wonderful car dealership that ripped one of my trees out-- but that's a whole other can of worms) and could barely walk for a few days. I picked up a cheap tensor brace, and have stopped running for now. I tried to run through the pain- and that only (obviously) made it worse. I dreamt about running last night. Ugh, I am feeling okay today without the brace on, but am definitely taking one more day of rest before I try anything.

I am sad that I feel like I have to mistreat myself to deal with my depression. I have a history of self harm, and it's almost like I get the same satisfaction from EATING CRAP now! Now THAT is ridiculous. Who knew. Anyways, I'm happy to be back.

Today's plan is: 

Breakfast- Protein shake, and half of a 2 cream coffee from Timmies.

Lunch- One egg, one egg white (scrambled), with spinach and green onion.

Dinner- Lemon grilled chicken, grilled broccoli (marinated in italian dressing) and a Caesar salad (1/2tbsp Renee's, on a mix of romaine and iceberg lettuce).

I doubt I will have any snacks, but if I do they will be of the salad variety. I don't get to run today, so I am gonna try to find a low impact work out I can do until my knee feels better! 

My kids are the best. I have to be the best I can be for them. What good will I be if I can't walk because I'm too heavy for my knees? if I can't keep up with them as they grow? If I teach them bad eating habits, if I die at a young age because my body can not handle being so fat anymore? These are all good reasons, and never mind the whole "to love myself" thing. I've never loved myself. I'm trying, I want to love who I am, and the body I'm in. I want to be happy. Weight loss will NOT make me happy, but it will give me one less thing I hate about myself-- and that's pretty good if you ask me.

Couch to 5k.

So, I've been doing the Couch to 5k program. At 237lbs, I am amazed. I am on week 6, I haven't had to repeat any weeks, I haven't had any injury.. I just.. Can't believe it! I could barely run one minute at a time when I started. Two days ago I ran for 20 minutes without stopping. Sure, I was slow, my speed was abysmal, I could walk faster.. BUT I WAS NOT WALKING, I was still running, I  didn't give up. I haven't gave up on any runs yet, the weather is hot. The humidity terrible, yes I do my runs at night.. I risk being harassed by rubbies, skunks, and rogue bears.. LOL. It's better for me I think to run when it's cooler, because I'd have no chance to do it early morning (I have my little girls to watch, after all.)...

Tomorrow I have a weigh in, tomorrow I hope that my 4 days of eating not so great choices out of 14 days... Didn't completely screw me up. I do as good as I can, but I'm not perfect all the time. I have no problems restarting, I eat healthy 90% of the time-- and that's what this is. A life style. I think if I didn't screw up, I couldn't do it at all. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm a strange person, but what I'm doing has made a huge difference in my life! And that's what I need. And hell, I'm becoming a runner!!

Mosquitos are slowly eating me alive, but.. Such is my life! Argh they love me.

Here is my before, and during! -84lbs looks like that right there. I will definitely push through, I will definitely reach my goals, and I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!

OOPS!

I've been so busy and completely forgot to keep up with my poor blog.

Well, water weight is a jerk, isn't it?! I lost 4lbs fat, but gained 5lbs water! Gr! I'm down 84lbs now, well.. 83 now, thanks to stupid water! So I will drink drink drink these next two weeks!! And run! I'm doing the couch to 5km running program! I am on week 4, day 1 tonight!! I am so excited, I really am enjoying the running learning process! I can't wait until  I can run 30 minutes without stopping! I am now 238lbs, I started at 321lbs in August of 2012. I have had a few set backs, and messed up once or twice.. I've also considered completely giving up once or twice, but I am persevering, I want to run, I want to be healthy and I want to be happy. I hope I can lose the lat 17lbs to make 100lbs gone in a year! So exciting, I would accept 90lbs in a year, as well HAHAH. I just think I can do better! 

Anyway, that's as far as I'm going to go! My mobile is at 3% battery life! I will do some progress pictures and post some recipes soon :) 

So.

I conveniently skipped march! Why?

Well.
I went to Cuba!! So I lived on bread and alcohol for a week LOL. Yeah. Not my shining moment, but I really did not like any of the food.. I tried their salads and lets just say I only had one bite, and that was enough of that.

I have been writing up a bunch of recipes which I will share eventually! With pictures! Delicious pictures. Aside from my week in Cuba, I have been pretty much on plan. I have no official weigh ins since my last post, sadly.

The clinic I was going to was in Newmarket, well, they're closed now. So I've been waiting for my fiancé to get referred so we can both do the plan, and go on the same day!

I am excited, I'm feeling like I'm not losing any weight at all, so I'm not too sure.. I am kind of feeling sad, because I am sticking to plan, but ugh! I just want to cry cause I'm so trying, but not been super active thanks to depression, and a cold. I know it's a crap excuse. I want to get outside, but the damn weather is working against me. Ugh.

Anyways yeah. Offices weigh in on the 11th, I'm curious to see where I'm at.

Boo!

So.. Last weigh in?? -3lbs fat.. +2lbs water +1lbs non fat mass

So, the scale stays the same. That -3lbs fat is okay though, but not leading to me of my goal of 50lbs by June. Still have 37lbs to go.. I am trying to step it up! It's been hard, I've been suffering headaches almost daily lately, I don't dig it.
I have a doctors appointment on the 26th so I am going to bring this up to her.

I need to do today's workout and am feeling so unmotivated, my kids have been rotten and ugh! Just unhappy with that.

I did get some awesome news though I am going on a trip at the end of the month with my sister . Totally going to ruin my eating plans, but gonna attempt to goto the gym daily there to make up for it. Here's hoping I don't gain anything!


So my total weight loss is sitting at -66lbs..

Another one (or nine!) bites the dust!

So, on Tuesday I went for a very dreaded weigh in.. I had stepped up my activity with JM's 30 day shred. I've missed a total of four days I think in 3 weeks? So I'm pretty good at sticking to it!

Anyway, I'm down 66lbs. Which is awesome! 9lbs in two weeks? I can deal with that! So I've lost 13lbs since Christmas. Seems like I'm on track for my goal of 50lbs by June! I can't wait to get there! I am so proud of how far I have come, and am definitely suffering from the body transmorphic disorder or whatever it's called. I look in the mirror, and I look the same as I did at 321. I tried on a pair of size 14 jeans.. A bit big. I tried on size 12s.. An inch too small! I don't see myself being that small.. I hope my view of myself starts changing!! I am scared of my skin, it's pretty droopy. I can't believe it to be honest.. I hope somehow I can have the surgery to remove it.