Save your energy, your journey is far from over

Hmm.. I have been having a lot of ups and downs, lately. I feel like the roots of my depression have spread into things they're not supposed to be in. It's ridiculous how we work.

Blah. Tonight was really hard, I almost gave in and had a slice of cheese. I cut a bunch up, put it on Jay's garlic bread, and gave him the rest to snack while dinner cooked. I am cooking him things I am craving. Tonight I cooked chicken schnitzel, and garlic bread. Our common denominator was the cauliflower/broccoli.. I put chili oil on it, chicken broth, a south of garlic, and some soy. It was so spicy!! I had plain chicken with some cajun spice, and spinach cooked in the same pan. Nothing to write home about, but it was food.

One lb at a time. One meal at a time. Everyday I don't give in, I can wake up happier the next morning knowing I am not cheating myself, or cheating my children. My girls deserve to have me in their life. Every time I want to have something I can't, I think of them, I think of them living without me.. and the pain they would feel. I don't want them to know that pain.

I have to do this. I have to take control of my life, I have to become responsible, I am not just answering to myself anymore.



This depression is crushing, and I feel like I'm losing my grip at time. Today I got upset at my baby for crying, I had to calm down, and walk away. Then I gave them cake because I felt bad for being upset with them. My eldest hit me really hard, and it hurt my feelings :(
I don't know if the mood swings are normal for this diet, but it's really strange.
I've also been suffering SERIOUS dizzy spells, every time I stand up.. I hold on to something, and my eyesight fades out, then I stabilise and am okay? It's bizarre, and I don't like it very much. I'm concerned that I am just going to pass out one of these days. I hope not.

Okay, I need to go have a shower.. take the dog out, and go to bed. Our house is undergoing some renovation... Pain in the ass!!

Egg and Spinach

So, this diet.. Or I should say: this lifestyle change has gotten me eating more egg and spinach than I ever thought possible. I am like.. Popeye! I should have horrible swollen forearms lmao!

It's a bit of a big thing for me to swallow that I will have to eat like this for the rest of my life. I can't never sit down and eat a bag of chips without feeling guilty, and disgusting. I am working so hard. I couldn't throw away my hard work on chips, or candy, or a beloved toasted peanut butter sandwich.

It's kind of weird, it's like a death of the part of me that loves snacks. Jeez, I even have an email that says I like snacks. I used food to define me, to define my good memories. Every Christmas/Thanksgiving dinner I've hosted; would it have been as pleasant without the sweet potatoes, and fresh bread? Without the pumpkin pie, and cheesecake? Would my christmas cookie plates mean less if they were replaced with sugar free, flourless cakes?
It's a hard thing for me.. I have a gift when it comes to baking or cooking, and I feel like I can't use it. I feel like I've had a piece of my body removed, and I'm still in the denial stage, lol.
Like some ridiculous Kübler-Ross model, I haven't reached anger yet. Maybe I have.. I am angry. I am angry I let this happen, I am angry that to be healthy, to make healthy choices it costs DOUBLE what it does to make bad ones. I hate that I can't go out to dinner with my fiancée because every restaurant puts vast amounts of salt, and who knows what else in their food! But I could get a salad, and eat it with no dressing! AND PAY DOUBLE WHAT THE COST OF A DAMN HAMBURGER COSTS!

It's frustrating, to say the least. I am not rich by any means, which unfortunately limits my choice when it comes to food. Every morning I have spinach and eggs. I've gotten to the point where I don't even put pepper on it 'cause I don't care. It's just fuel. I am just eating it because I have to. I crack an egg into a measuring cup, mix it up, put spinach on top, cover with plastic wrap, and microwave it for a minute. Fast flavourless breakfast. But, I wouldn't trade my flavourless breakfast for my beloved toast.

There are low carb toast options, a flax bread the ontario nutrition company carries.. It's 6 dollars (I think) for a loaf. Yeah. I have a hard time paying 3 dollars for the regular bread! Why isn't it 99 cents anymore?!

The cost of living is skyrocketing, and the pay is not changing. It's upsetting.

Also, I appear to get massive headaches from artificial sweetners. I need to pick up some stevia, and see if that helps. Pfft with all my money, right?

Oh; I should also mention, today is my wonderful daughter's birthday! She is 2 years old :) it's crazy how fast they grow. Her and her sister are the main reason I am doing this. I want them to learn to make proper choices when it comes to eating. My parents never gave me those tools, I am still learning..

And, on that bombshell... I must end this post!
Good luck, and lots of love!
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Sigh

I am not coping well right now!! I am super emotional, and woooow! It's ridiculous! I am so upset!!

I want to just give in and eat some licorise. I won't!!

I have noo energy whatsoever, I am just laying here on the couch doing my best corpse imitation. I am craving something sweet, but don't even have the energy to get up, goto the kitchen, and get a mint.

I hope this issue passes soon. I am making a pork roast for dinner! I hope it's good :)
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Weigh in!

-7lbs, and counting.

Gonna keep at it, 'cause that's fantastic! I'm proud of myself right now.
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EDIT: I looked at my papers. This was wrong, the doctor told me the number 7, turns out it was actually 12.5lbs!! Silly me ;) So my first two weeks, was actually 12lbs lost. Awesome.

Weakness

Today I am weak, I have no energy.. My limbs are heavy, and while the muscles in my legs are tender from yesterday.. It doesn't feel related.

Kind of strange, I hope it passes. I'm digging deep just to stay awake right now. I didn't even go to any hassle to make delicious food, lol. I had an egg on top of spinach (I didn't even put pepper on it lol) and I had tuna, spinach, cucumber and a little mayo mixed together for lunch.

Last night sucked!! My fiancée makes this fabulously delicious pasta sauce.. Like, it blows my mind how good it is. I didn't get to have anyyyy omg. I didn't even TASTE it! So sad.
My girls went nuts eating it! They love it, too. My eldest had two bowls, and my youngest had three!!

I had planned on doing some resistance training while my youngest has a nap today, but my energy is so low, I am postponing until after they go to bed for the night :) maybe I should have a little nap.. I might feel better (or worse!)

I wonder if I am getting sick, or something! We'll see.. First weigh in coming up.. I really hope to see some improvement 'cause I have NOT cheated!

*crosses fingers*
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Step one.

Today I got up an hour and a half before my kids. I got dressed, got water, and music and left. I went for a brisk walk, with running intervals.. I'd run as far as I could, then walk it off.. And repeat.

Felt a bit sick, and I'm wondering if it's the lack of salt in my diet. I honestly felt as if I was getting really tall, and the ground was further and further away from my feet. Yeah. Kind of odd!

I made it home, I thought I was blister free.. But I found one on my little toe. Damn.

I'm going to do this 3-4 times a week, and the days I don't walk/run/walk, I will be doing something else.. Most likely resistance. Wish me luck.
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Thoughts.

So, the question is.. How ever did I come to be here? How did I? I don't know.

I've had an interesting life, to put it lightly, my parents were heroin addicts throughout my childhood.. I started gaining weight at the ripe ol' age of 3. I have been overweight for 22 years, now that's a crazy thought.
Hmm.
I remember the day before my first day of school, I was four; I asked my brother "What should if people notice I'm fat?" He told me "Wear a lot of big sweaters, maybe no one will notice!" My brother was 8. If only it was that simple? Right? Heh. I went to that school until I started grade 2, when Children's Aid stepped in, and decided they will take my brother, sister and I from our parents.. Thankfully, my father's parents said they would take us so we wouldn't end up in foster care. I lived with my grandparents, while they were not bad people.. they didn't know how to deal with a fat 7 year old. It's wonderful when your own cousins, aunts, and other extended family call you names, and belittle you. On top of all that, I'm now in a new city, a new school.. with new bullies. Great. My grandma thought she should single me out, and feed me diet food.. I was just a normal kid, I walked to school, and didn't even come into the house afterwards! I just ran around my street with the neighbourhood kids. I was, and still am not lazy.
A year passed, I started wanting to call my nana "mom".
My parents went bankrupt, and lost our house.. I only seen them a few times.. They eventually got "clean" (onto the methodone program), and came to move in with us. There was an apartment in the lower half of our house, so my grandparents lived down there, while we stayed upstairs with our parents.
By now I'm in grade 4, and dealing with so many bullies at school, that I no longer want to learn, or be there. Being singled out by gym teachers, and kids was so hard. I didn't say anything, I just pretended like it didn't bother me. I got made fun of if I ate peanut butter, I got made fun of if I ate tuna.. I got made fun of for eating my lunch! Soon, I just stopped eating lunch at school.. My mom, now battling her weight due to the methodone's side effects put me on a diet with her.. I stuck to it. I didn't lose weight, I got depressed and quit.
My mom did jenny craig, but they wouldn't let me try.  They took me to a nutritionist, who didn't help.. they got me into a gym! By the time I was in grade 6, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I just laid in bed all day and cried, I didn't go to school, I just cried. They brought in a social worker, and a truancy officer.. They MADE me go to school. Do you know what I got to do? Sit in a room in the office all day.. With nothing, no teacher, no work sheets... just a box of lego. Guess who still passed grade 6? Ridiculous. And of course, I still got tormented. I missed a day of school, and someone went into that room, took my stuff, and drew lewd things in my binder... then strung it apart all over the field. How nice.

They ended up sending me to a last chance program, in a school across town. It was full of children with mental issues, criminal records, and drug problems. I fit in for the first time of my life, but still battled this horrible crushing depression. I took to cutting myself, and injuring myself as a way to deal with it. Why bother, everyone hates me anyways, right? I started bullying some kids, because I couldn't deal with myself. I treated almost everyone like crap, and barely went to school. My house got raided by the S.W.A.T. team, which was a great experience. My brother was arrested, and charged. We made the front page of the paper. My best friend was not really allowed to come over anymore, which made me even MORE depressed.. When I finished grade 9, they kicked me out. I was now 15, not legally able to be out of school. My mom said she'd homeschool me.. but that never happened. It was just a legality thing. I sank even deeper into depression.
I tried to go back to regular public school, and the first day I was there, I saw my childhood bully in the hallway. I never went back.

Things got rocky right after this.. My dad and mom split, and he kicked us out. I bummed around at friends' houses, and lived in a room with my mom and sister. Eventually we found a basement apartment, my sister and I were total shut ins, and couldn't deal with all this emotional pain.. We moved again, this time farther away.. My mom just bought take out all the time because my sister was such a picky eater. My sister moved back with my dad.. and my mom and I'd relationship deteriorated. She went on a crazy trip, and slept with one of my friends.. and I stopped talking to her.. But I still lived with her. Things were rough, and I ended up leaving, too. Back to my dad's house. My dad never did "clean up" he was always high and stumbling around. I fought with him daily, there was never food, or toilet paper.. I used to steal napkins, or toiletpaper from the library. A man named Wayne lived with us, Wayne was a body builder. He used to go to the gym all the time, and one night invited me. I became his gym partner. We went four to five nights a week for almost a year. I could run for an hour straight, full throttle the whole time. I could keep up with him in the weights. I had fun. I didn't lose a single lb. I stopped being able to go, and my weight loss desires grew. I met a guy. He abused me, emotionally, and other wise, then he cheated on me, and left. That was the final blow I needed to motivate me. I stopped eating. I ate once a week, and would ride my bike until I threw up daily, and swim. I didn't lose weight. I started eating again, and started binging and purging. I was on a multitude of antidepressants, and antipsychotics. I started meeting random men, men who liked to beat me.. It was a bad addiction, on top of self mutilation, and throwing up all the time. I finally shook myself of the bulimia, and started eating healthy. I counted everything. I exercised, and logged everything. On paper I should've been losing weight.. I lost nothing.
My grandfather died, and I left to go  take care of my grandmother, and help her pack up her house, and all of his things. It was another rough time.. I did so much, I walked so much, up and down this giant hill carrying boxes. Never lost weight. My relationship with my father worsened, he was so high most of the time..
I met my fiancée on a website where I men.. He came to stay with me in my dad's house. My grandmother now decides to sell our house, so I moved up to where I live now to be with him in his house.

We now have two beautiful children, and I have a barrage of health issues. Sleep apnea, and high blood pressure.. and who knows what else!

I am not medicated anymore for my depression. I haven't cut myself in three years, and I haven't purged in about 4. It is time for me to change, it is time to be healthy.


Sorry for the novel, just thought this was a necessary part of my story. Obviously, just a very abridged version of it, but it works for now :)


Haven't cheated, my next weigh in is on the 16th of August. Wish me luck! I'm going to ask if it's okay if I start C25K while I'm eating like this!